“My journey is complex, with layers and a non-linear storyline. As it often is in this crazy and wonderful life. However, I live with endometriosis, fibromyalgia, pelvic floor myalgia, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), vulvar vestibulitis, migraine with aura, and symptoms that often put me in a place of survival mode. Somehow, I always find the silver lining in the end.
When I think of my chronic illnesses, I can’t help but think about what I have lost over the years, such as my time, money, relationships, friendships, happiness, and self-esteem. Whether that was from my own actions or the cards I was dealt with. I grew up in a household with an abusive father that told me not to cry. Who referred to me as, ‘dramatic’ and ‘ugly.’ One perceived mistake from him and out came the flyswatter. He painted a different picture to the world. He was charming, funny, smart, resourceful and could light up a room, but behind closed doors he was an abuser.
In the year of 2006, my family and I found out on Father’s Day that my dad died from vehicular manslaughter. I was ten years old and my brother, eight. The years of court from this horrific event led to additional mental and physical trauma. It did a number on my family and the people that surrounded us. I was confused and lost in a world where the title I now had was ‘fatherless’. I must add though, that without the love and support from my mom, family and friends, I might have been a different person.
This may come as no surprise, but my mental health took an immense amount of work from me in order to be what it is today. Which, let’s face it, is still a work in progress. I think we are all works of art, where the artist is never satisfied. Needless to say, trauma, suffering, and potential play of genetics has ailed my mental health and in particular my physical health. First, my symptoms started with severe stomach pain, cramping, bloating, digestive issues, awful periods, pelvic floor pain, bladder infections, and migraines with visual disturbances. I was diagnosed with migraines that have aura (visual disturbances), in 2015, but that diagnosis didn’t explain the list of symptoms that was affecting every area of my life.
Every year it seemed like I was getting worse, with new symptoms such as dizziness, chronic fatigue, increased heart beat, tremors, muscle spasms, muscle weakness, mood swings, brain fog, etc. I tried various diets and therapy, but doctors would still tell me I’m just clumsy. That there is nothing wrong with me. That it’s all in my head. I’ve gotten that response more times than I can even remember. I believe mental health can play a role in our bodies, but I know my body, much like the millions of chronic illness warriors who are told this exact phrase on a daily basis.
It wasn’t until these last few years that I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis, fibromyalgia, pelvic floor myalgia, IBS, and an auto-immune disorder called vulvar vestibulitis. It took many specialists, ER visits, therapy, advocating, breakdowns, anger, labs, surgery and begging for an answer, where I could finally identify and have validation to my experience. In 2021, I had surgery for endometriosis and vulvar vestibulitis. This included a laparoscopy to remove the scar tissue in my body. It was a traumatic surgery, due to the fact that I had lost a great amount of blood from a knick in my artery during the procedure. My lips were blue and cold. My mom cried deeply, as she saw me lying in the hospital bed in severe pain. This led to needing a blood transfusion. Mind you, I had a flight the next morning back to California, since I was living in Utah at the time of me needing this procedure.
I am still on this journey with the hope of exploration and success. I have many dreams and passions. I love music, singing, traveling, hiking, nature, sculpting, exercise, family, friends, art, culture, love, and finally, myself. I’ve had to learn to love myself with a body that has endured many trials and tribulations. My long term plans include making music, traveling, and getting a master’s degree in counseling, where I can truly inspire others and help people unravel their stories.
Life is messy and fragile. With this understanding, I try to live my life deeply and with intention. Appreciating my hardships and giving time to the people who want the best for me, is essential to my happiness. I may not always be down for events or hangouts on my bad days, but I do have my good days and even great days. My story is a myriad of adjectives and my future is filled with an infinite amount of opportunity, joy, and adventure.”
Kaelyn
