“On June 16, 2021, I was diagnosed with stage 2 triple negative breast cancer in my right breast at the age of 44 years old. I had 3 opinions from UCLA, Providence in Santa Monica, and finally City of Hope. UCLA found the tumor, Providence removed the tumor, and City of Hope treated me with chemotherapy and radiation. The surgery to remove the tumor with cancer was in itself scary, the 8 treatments of chemotherapy were very difficult emotionally and physically, and 21 days of radiation was not bad at all. I am still in shock that this is and was my reality and I’m also coming to terms that this is a part of my life and making an effort to learn to live. I have gone through some pretty dark emotional days where I didn’t know if this was the end of my life or the beginning. I still don’t, in a sense. I have not been shy about seeking mental health support from my therapist and finding a psychiatrist to help manage my anxiety. I now understand what people mean when they say they, ‘couldn’t have done it without ___blank___.’ If there were not people, family and friends, that loved me and showed me they loved me, I’d be in a much different place today, emotionally and physically. I make an effort to stay connected to my support system: family, friends, neighbors, my therapist, and medical doctors. What that looks like is that I ask if I can see them. I will ask for help. I will say yes if someone wants to come visit me. I will return text messages and phone calls. I will say thank you. I will ask how they are doing, too. I also rest and stay put and give myself permission to go off the grid for a few days if I’m not feeling well, but I do find, even if I’m not feeling well, talking to someone about that, helps.
Do I feel seen and heard? I do now but I haven’t always. There were times I felt like I was being treated differently because I was ‘young,’ and ‘I’ll do just fine’ were comments made to me by medical staff. I do remember wishing I had someone to talk to that was going through this with me at the same time. I did feel alone and I also knew that this might be a part of life – and it made me feel more compassion and empathy for those that suffer physically and emotionally, without ‘looking’ sick or disabled. It made me feel like I never know what is going on with another person, no matter how ‘put together’ they appear to be.
Currently, I search for beauty in the painful moments by slowing down, playing with my dog, traveling for the weekend, appreciating the thoughtfulness of family and friends, sitting on my porch watching the birds and squirrels, making things, playing music, dancing. Now during chemotherapy, just being able to have a bowel movement was a beauty! So I guess you can say the bar for beauty was pretty low, but I was very happy!
What keeps me going? There are survivors of triple negative breast cancer that are not only surviving but thriving. A survivor saying, ‘Oh it’s been so long, I forget what chemotherapy was like,’ keeps me going. What motivates me when I feel down is that tomorrow I may feel differently. And if not tomorrow then the next day, and that has always been true for me. I continue to find purpose through the pain because I genuinely am curious of what life has to offer fully. I am curious about being a writer, a poet, reading more, and mostly traveling the world. I’ve tasted joy, I also like to laugh. I find purpose in wanting to continue to experience those things.
So, to those living with an illness, my advice to you is to connect with others that ‘get it.’ Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from family and friends. I found myself very lost and confused with what I needed, but when I spoke to friends and family about just that, they always helped me figure it out. Finally, go where the love is.”
Roberta
