“I’ve always known I was different.
From the age of 2, I frequented the Children’s Hospital looking for a diagnosis for a lump on my face. Doctors were able to determine it was a lymphatic angioma of the parotid (aka benign tumor). Sounds harmless, right? The problem was the removal of this surgery was much more complicated than normal. There were possibilities of failure, or even permanent nerve damage. I never experienced the permanent nerve damage, but I did have temporary facial trauma where my smile wasn’t the same. Luckily, that recovered after some time.
Whether it was the frequent trips to the hospital, being sucked into the MRI machine as a young kid being hooked up with needles and wires, or the consistent ridicule and jokes I got as a preteen and teen from curious bystanders; growing up with this tumor wasn’t seamless by any means.
And unfortunately, that’s not where the hurdles end. From bulimia, anorexia, and binge eating; to anxiety, ADHD and OCD diagnoses; Lyme disease and PCOS; and complex migraines that temporarily paralyze me. From toxic relationships to adrenal exhaustion, my body has been dealt with its share of hardships.
Although I’ve come out mentally stronger prior to these challenges, it doesn’t mean it was easy in the slightest. Medical surgeries, bystanders joking on the daily, and an extremely toxic relationship left me weak in my knees. Left me feeling ‘never enough.’ That was the ongoing, internal narrative in my head for so many years. Never pretty enough, skinny enough, successful enough, good enough. And so I found myself trapped in a toxic relationship that pinned me down and stripped me of my worth. I subconsciously pushed myself into a lifestyle of eating disorders to finally feel ‘enough’, which inevitably never happened through restrictive eating. I felt the need to prove myself whether that was from external accolades or wanting to be the center of attention or to be heard.
Trauma does a number. It can strip everything away from ones soul and leave them begging for mercy from their knees. But the thing about being on your knees, is that you’re in the most vulnerable spot to ask for help. From God, from loved ones, to fully surrender and lay it all at His feet.
I wish I could say it was a snap of a finger and everything magically disappeared. That my mental health skyrocketed from that moment onward, and it’s been an uphill journey ever since. But it didn’t work like that. And I’m glad for it. I’ve learned so much along the way. That failure, emptiness, full surrender, and rock bottom is a platform for so much greatness soon to be had.
I refuse to let any of my medical limitations stop me from achieving my dreams. I hold a college record for bench press, travel around the world and lived in Spain, have a career I love, competed in multiple triathlons, am pregnant with a beautiful girl, see my family on a regular basis, and truly love my life.
All this trauma was meant to be. Without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to relate to so many people. Without it, I wouldn’t have the passion and compassion I do today. I am more than my struggles, and yet, they have made me who I am. These weaknesses have become my strength. And because of this, I am so eternally grateful.
And this passion grows from a foundation of hard knocks. Of struggles, hurdles, and battles against something bigger than you feel capable of handling. Once you’ve defeated those battles (and you will), you’ll have a fire inside you that you’ll never want to burn out.
One of my favorite reminders on perspective is that ‘sometimes you can’t change your circumstances, but you can change your attitude.’ Just because you are faced up against a hurdle doesn’t mean you don’t jump over it. You figure out an alternative. You go under, around, piggyback, whatever you have to do to get over it. And now, here I am, 32 years old, married to the perfect partner God picked for me. One who challenges me, encourages me, and comforts me. One that I’m so grateful to do life with. We are a few weeks away from welcoming our baby girl into this world. It’s crazy how drastic life can change for you. How deathly sorrow and heavy it can feel. And then how blissfully serendipitous it is the next moment. And no matter the season I’m in, I’ll hold on to knowing that I can get through this. I have gotten through this. And it will forever change and flow. But I’m strong enough to grow through any battle that comes my way.”
Niki
