“I started to write this piece a few times and found myself coming at it from this inspirational lens. You know, the way that people feel comfortable hearing about chronic illness/cancer- that it is a ‘gift’ , that it taught me about ‘x,y,z’.– And it just didn’t feel authentic. That being said, I didn’t only want to share the deeply depressing part about all of this.
So here is my attempt at writing and sharing about this very complex, difficult thing that is a HUGE part of my life, that people don’t know when they just look at me.
I developed Ulcerative Colitis around the age of 20, it began with painful diarrhea and eventually, blood in my stool. I felt completely exhausted, foggy, depressed and of course, deeply worried and anxious. Finally I had a colonoscopy and was immediately admitted to the hospital for the first time. I won’t bore you with all the details, I will say, I never imagined I would poop in so many hat shaped bowls, or have to wean off steroids, or take a pill for the rest of my life.
Many times I do feel like an outcast because I don’t feel ‘normal’ – I feel sometimes like my health is so delicate that every decision is a well thought out process. When I was 21 and all my friends were traveling abroad and partying, I was home living with my parents just trying my best to get stable.
Being sick did make me realize that I didn’t know how long I would feel good when I wasn’t flaring, so it made me work harder towards doing the things I love–One of which is acting, and it did make me go after it harder and take more risks.
I think one of the things that I don’t hear described much is this feeling I have had of shame. Like I had done something to cause this awful illness, I had made a mistake and no matter how badly I want to fix it, I can’t. Like a feeling of failing at life in someway or just failing your own body.
Okay, so here is my gift–I got really focused on learning how to care for myself and cope. With the help of lots of therapy, my anxiety calmed down and I learned how to focus on the things I had control over- meditating, exercise, resting, yoga, what I eat, etc. My advice or share for those suffering with anything is pretty much always to focus on what you have control over and have compassion for all the feelings that you are experiencing. I find that pain is easier managed when I practice these things, even though it isn’t always easy to focus this way, it is a soothing balm to that feeling of overwhelm and the feeling of fear.
These practices have led me to become a yoga, meditation and fitness teacher. And I feel incredibly grateful to hold space for people in their bodies. I feel like I have more compassion for others struggling, and I feel like I am able to not shy away from being around suffering, but allowing people to feel their own feelings, sensations, etc. and find ways to manage. It is deeply fulfilling. BUT- it is hard to do this when I feel a flare coming on. And currently I am experiencing arthritis in the joints of my hands so badly that I can no longer practice yoga on my hands (for the moment!- who knows what will happen) so I am feeling all the scary feelings once again of not knowing, but trying to have grace and see what happens next.
I think I would like to see more people talk openly about invisible illnesses because there are so many out there, including the mental health stuff, and I still think it is taboo or shameful to talk about. I hid mine from people for a long time and it was something I didn’t share unless I felt safe and comfortable sharing. I think that is fine if you are feeling that way, it can feel very vulnerable and scary to share. But the older I get, the more I want to open up the awareness about it.
I am also a screenwriter and have written 2 scripts now with the protagonist who has a chronic illness that they are managing. I want to have more stories about it so that everyone can better understand.
I guess that you just never know what others are going through, and I think if we approached life with that mindset, things would feel a lot better for us all. I think we would be kinder to one another.”
Natalie
