“I live with anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. These are names of illnesses that are often carelessly thrown around, but my experience with them has been anything but fickle. My first official diagnosis was in January of 2019. I vividly remember going to bed one night, everything as it should have been. The next thing I knew, I woke up gasping for air, with intense chest pains, full body numbness, and drenched in sweat. I remember my mom rushing me to the emergency room and having a lot of tests performed on me. That was the first time I heard the words ‘You’re experiencing a panic attack.’ At first, I only had the panic attacks at night. Eventually, due to my lack of sleep and extreme stress levels, they followed me into the day. Every half hour or so, they would come. The worst part was, due to the nature of the disorder, I had little to no control over it. For no apparent reason, my body would go numb, my vision blurred, my heart rate shot up in a matter of seconds, and I would have thousands of racing thoughts until it felt like I was going to pass out. These sensations would last sometimes up to 15 minutes. I remember feeling like a failure – 20 years old and sleeping in my parents’ room. Having to go to work with them because I couldn’t be alone anymore. Every day, it felt like a piece of the person I was began to drift away, until I became unrecognizable to myself. Everything around me fell into darkness – there were no more feelings of joy. It was either a state of panic, or a state of numbness. I started acting out of character, coping in ways that were harmful both physically and mentally. After a couple months of this, all I could see in the mirror was a person who was negative, empty, and in desperate need of help. This is when I began going to therapy.
Therapy forced me to be honest with myself about the things I was experiencing. I had to confront the pain, anger, sadness, and loss I was feeling in order to understand why these emotions were taking control of my life. I was put on medication to help me sleep at night (which I can now proudly say I don’t need anymore.) I was triggered by a few back-to-back experiences in 2018 that left me feeling traumatized, but I realized eventually that those were just the things that pushed me over the edge. This was the first time I started paying attention to the term ‘mental health’ – I also became aware of how much I was neglecting it. Things like a proper sleep schedule, healthy outlets of stress, and the concept of self care suddenly became important to me. The events that took place that year broke me down, but I now know they were my biggest blessing. One of the most important things therapy taught me is that I didn’t have to carry the burden by myself. By opening up to my therapist, and consequently myself – I learned how to open up to the people around me. It wasn’t easy by any means, and it’s something I’m still working on, but the relationships I have grown because of this newfound sense of connection have been my lifeline in this journey. Another huge part of my healing was actually learning how to be alone again – rebuilding that trust within myself was (and is) a fragile process, but extremely rewarding.
Living life with anxiety and depression can be tricky, to say the least. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve snapped at people because I was extremely anxious. Or maybe I can talk about canceling plans left and right because I felt too depressed to leave the house, then later getting anxious at the thought that those people now perpetually hate me. Or maybe I can mention the dozens of times I’ve had to literally abandon my cart in a store because I felt a panic attack coming on and I needed to get out of there ASAP? Needless to say, it can be draining for myself, and at times, the people around me. However, I’ve found that being as honest as I can about the things I’m feeling helps others help me, especially when I can’t do it myself at the moment.
What keeps me going through the hard times? Connection. I promised myself that I would never stop reaching out my hand to anyone that may need it. I’m very open and honest about my experiences because I hope that I can make other people feel seen. I will never forget how isolated and hopeless I felt when I first started experiencing my symptoms – If I can make even one person feel like they aren’t alone, I will have fulfilled my purpose. I want to help as many people as I can because the suffering that comes along with anxiety and depression is real. The dark thoughts about wanting things to end because you feel too far gone is real. Self isolation is real. The physical symptoms that come along with these mental illnesses are real.
One day, I came across a quote that said, ‘Anxiety is a disorder, not a decision.’ That statement has helped me tremendously. Most days, I still feel like I’m in the thick of it. But I want anyone who’s living with depression, anxiety, or any other illness to know that life can still be experienced, even if it does look a little different for us. There is always a little bit of light left, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Lastly – Never be ashamed of who you are or the silent battles you face. Looking back now, I see the ways in which I could have handled a lot of things differently. But where I used to look upon myself and feel shame, I now feel strength. I’m learning how to live all over again, not fighting against my illnesses, but coexisting with them.”
Natalie
